i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
