you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
