I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
