Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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