Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
