i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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