it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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