i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
