we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
