Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
