this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
