This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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