she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
