His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
