I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
