You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
