so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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