i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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