I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
