When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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