yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
