I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
