He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
