she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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