I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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