Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
