How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
