I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
