It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Less talking, more tequila
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
