I'm so fucking centered right now
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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