you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
