Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
