You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
