brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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