you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
