I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
