dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
