guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
