My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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