i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
