I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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