I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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