omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
