I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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