I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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