you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
