Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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