Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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