Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
