my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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