Whod you bang
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Randomize
