I faked an abortion last night.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
