I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
zippers are such a cool invention
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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