It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
