ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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