i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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