Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
