If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
