I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
