Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
