Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
