new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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