he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
