I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
