Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
